Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'm being honest here...

So I was contemplating writing this post... then I figured this blog is the real me so I wanted to write it. I am positive I can not be the only person who feels this way.

First and foremost let me tell you all how thankful I am able to have children. I feel so blessed to feel this little girl kicking and moving inside of me. Its unreal how much I already love this little bean even though she isn't here yet!

... here comes the but...

BUT - I am the most miserable unhappy pregnant woman. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm in a funk? I just don't know how some people do it (and I RESPECT all you moms with babies/toddlers who are currently pregnant). Let me start by saying I have had a reasonably troubled pregnancy.

 Since the beginning, I found out I was pregnant BEFORE my first missed period. So I was about 4/5 weeks pregnant. After I told my parents and 3 friends I started spotting (week 8ishh). Well I was spotting for a few days then there was a gush of blood - So I went into triage. They checked on Baby B and her heart beat was going strong and she was perfect so they sent me home. That was one of the scariest times of my life. Not to mention my husband wasn't able to leave work (as a security guard) because he wasn't able to leave his post so I went to the hospital alone... then my BFF came to my rescue. (*He has since left that job*)

In addition to that the first 4/5 months of my pregnancy I was sick as a dog. I wasn't able to eat things I loved which I know is a part of being pregnant but I didn't embrace that part of pregnancy. I would eat then throw up right away. I wasnt able to keep anything down that wasnt plain bread. + the heartburn. Not my friend.

I was taken from my job as a firefighter to a desk. It was very very hard going from being active to sitting on a desk. It still is hard as I sit here right now and the guys are out on a call. At times I felt like I was depressed because its such a wonderful feeling knowing I am able to help someone - but during my pregnancy I have to remember I am helping myself, and my unborn child and that helped me cope more with the desk jockey jokes. Another part of work that sucks is that I still have to maintain my 72 hour work week so I work a desk 0700-1700 then 1700-0700 the following morning I sit in my bunk room reading, watching TV, on my laptop... you name it I have done it.

As of lately I am having trouble sitting for any period longer then 30 minutes. Mr.B and I went to a movie last week and I get this agonizing pain in my lower back and left shoulder whenever I sit. Its crazy weird. To add to the pain my commute to work is about an hour and 15 minutes. So its daily pain. I cant even tell you how many times I woke up and wanted to call out just so I wouldn't have to get into my car.

Now nearing the end of my pregnancy I am having some of the same symptoms as the beginning. I get nauseous and have this KILLER heartburn.

People who I love get under my skin a lot easier. I try to be reasonable but when my mother "tickles" my belly with her dagger fingernails I cant help but pull away from her telling her not to touch me again until she clips her nails! I know its mean but It hurts. Family and friends who are pregnant the same time telling me how perfect their pregnancies are but knowing in the back of my head that they aren't perfect gets under my skin. Having my baby shower and then having a family members baby shower with all of my decorations & centerpieces really irks me. I know it shouldn't have but it did. I guess I'm more irritable.

Another part which maybe is what I'm on the fence about most is the weight. I am on the fence about it because I truly feel lucky that I haven't gained the weight like friends of mine have BUT working out and being fit is such a big part of my lifestyle with my husband. It was our 'OUR' time. I have a friend who gained 90lbs her first pregnancy! Another gained 60 - a friend is 29 weeks and already at 30lbs and you can see it everywhere in her body. I feel lucky because I have gained about 39lbs and I really feel that it is only in my belly and face. My arms aren't flabby (or more flabby lol) my legs are the same... I can honestly only see it in my face and belly. Oh my boobs too (this barley B cup is now a FULL C cup) . I know people workout their WHOLE pregnancy and maybe if I had pushed myself more in the beginning I would be singing a different tune right now... I tried though. My husband and I used to spend 1-2 hours a day at the gym together. It was our OUR time and it wasn't always roses and sugar plums but it was what we did. We enjoyed working out and sweating together (hell now that I think about it that's how we got into this situation in the first place hahaa). After being sick and not wanting to get out of bed and  truly just lack of discipline I stopped going to the gym. I went more frequently in the first trimester but after that when you cant lay on your back, or belly. I wasn't allowed to lift more then 30lbs it was just not fun for me. I was miserable whenever I went to the gym. In addition to being miserable I was getting stared at by 3/4 of the gym population. I was embarrassed. I am angry and I was sad. Even the guys who worked there gave me the shifty look. It was the beginning of the end of my time at the gym. I am actually cancelling that membership this month and joining the Y after the baby is born.

I cant think of anything more exciting then being a mother. I really can not and I have done a lot. Ran into burning buildings, I've been deployed twice but being able to create another human being is wonderful. I just have had a really difficult time with pregnancy. I know I am not alone...I am not the first I wont be the last I just wanted to let anyone else out there who has had difficulties your aren't alone either!

Comments? Anyone? I know there are people out there that have felt the same way.

1 comment:

  1. I am hating being pregnant this time around too. :(